I loathe it. For some reason I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. I think I just have problems with not being in control. You could call me a control freak. I don’t show it (because I don’t particularly like the notion of being a control freak). But, in my head I’m constantly fighting for control over my emotions when I’m not in control (or in the know for that matter) of the situations surrounding me. So, I think I do a halfway decent job of not trying to control other peoples thoughts and emotions and actions… Just letting them live the way they want to live. But, sometimes it takes its toll on me. I really wish it didn’t because not being in control is NOT the end of the world and I know this I just can’t put that knowledge into action for the general well being of the state of my mind.
This whole hand situation (which by the way is just going to go away eventually) for example. I had gone to the family doctor twice for it. She didn’t know what it was. Got an X-ray. It came back negative. Waiting. Went to the Hand Specialist’s nurse practitioner. She didn’t know but could rule some things out that the doctor couldn’t. New brace. More waiting. Went to the Hand Specialist’s actual doctor. She ruled some more things out. Got an MRI. Negative. More waiting. Got blood work done. Negative. Now, I’m just waiting for it to get better. So, I’ve been essentially waiting for 6 months without any idea of what’s wrong or what I can do to fix it. And there’s nothing wrong with it. There’s really not going to be a way to fix it. This whole time my hand is getting weaker and weaker so that I’ve lost partial control over my hand. I have learned to adapt, though. So maybe it’s a good thing that I’ve had to work around not being in control of my own hand. I thought for the first month or so that it meant I wouldn’t be able to play piano until it was better. My wonderful cast director at faire suggested that I try to play left handed pieces. I can now read bass cleft much better than I could before. I can play part of a piece that my piano teacher wouldn’t even work through with me because he thought it would be too hard. I can also play a few songs with just the 4 fingers on my right hand (thanks to the wonderful suggestion of an awesome friend). So, now, even though I’ve been told I can play with my right hand, I play all 3 ways instead of telling myself that I can only play the “normal” way.
I officially love having a blog. These are things that hadn’t actually clicked until now. The joy of writing.
And all of this is really contradictory to my love of randomness… Something random is by definition something without uniformity. Something uncertain is by definition something unsteady; changing in intensity or quality. So, I guess they’re not completely contradictory. I mean, the few people I know that will honestly say that they’re random have a steady stream of randomness. So, it’s certain that they’ll be random. I just don’t know where the randomness will go. So, maybe I have an issue with things that are uncertain at a very basic level. If I know the basic level of something then it’s okay if everything that happens after that is uncertain and random. So, I guess, what I need to know without a doubt in order to not have issues with uncertainty is that honor and courage mean everything, that good always triumphs over evil and that true love never dies. So maybe I’ll just believe those things, continue on in my own naive way and just live. (Anyone who knows the reference gets bonus points of awesome). 🙂
I feel really strange writing about this where anybody that wants to can see… In the past I’ve written about things that are really truly how I feel but I haven’t really written about things that happen in my life and things I’m currently thinking through as much.
Speaking of where people can see (and since I’m done with what my completely accurate twin calls a “psychotic rant”) :
THANK YOU to the 3 wonderful people that read my blog! (Even though 2 of you haven’t commented so I have absolutely no idea who you are 😛 ). I really didn’t expect anybody to read my blog because I haven’t exactly told people about it; I just put the link up where my friends can see it if they look. So, it makes me happy!
Me (I will now ignore the want to reread my post so that I can just change everything) 🙂