So, over Christmas break I found myself… Yes, I know that sounds strange. But it’s like something has finally clicked in my brain that has needed to click for some time now. We were at my grandparent’s house for the week and I was stressed out about who knows what (probably the fact that my 2 year old cousin hits my sister whenever he wants and gets away with it) so I was praying in an attempt to calm myself down (meditating, I guess) and all of a sudden I knew something in the way I was thinking and tackling life changed… I’m not sure what triggered it or why then but that’s how it happened. So, now I feel like I actually have a personality… I’ve found myself. I’ve been struggling to find myself ever since faire rehearsals started last March and I realized how much alike me and my character are and how I could go in depth with her but I somehow lacked that with myself. And I think it’s a good thing that the timing has been what it has been… My faire character is quite a bit who I wanted to be when I made her (and now I’m becoming that). I know this probably makes absolutely no sense. Sorry about that. 🙂 It’s a good feeling… The feeling that you’re not just subconsciously conforming to everybody else’s view of “right”. The feeling that you’re free to have your own religion, thoughts, convictions, spirit, views… Your own right that’s led by what you feel and your faith. Who you are. It’s beautiful. And I didn’t realize how much I had missed it until I found it. And, honestly, this blog was one of the things that helped me get there. From the time I started writing here I’ve always written my story, my truths, the foundation of me. There have been a few times where I haven’t published a post just because I was afraid of how people react but I don’t think I’ll do even that now. Who I am is who I am. Not everyone has to like that. I’m so glad I’ve been able to put my trust in God enough for him to help me get to this place that I was kind of afraid of getting to for a while. Grateful and thankful that He’s there and that He loves me for who I am; who He made me to be. My faith is I guess what keeps me going. It’s the very base of who I am. My belief and faith is the reason I have the values and convictions that I do. It’s what’s enabled me to feel and love and feel loved.
As a side note: isn’t it strange how the minute you stop searching you find all you’ve ever looked for?
So now, without further adieu, I have yet another list of things I believe, who I am, who I want to be and where I think I’m headed:
Firstly, where I’m headed-
I get my permit in the spring
I’ve got my 3rd season on faire this summer
Sometime between now and when faire has ended I will hopefully have told the guy I’ve fallen head over heels for that I like him (it’ll take so long because we don’t exactly live close to each other)… My Mom and Bro are convinced that he like me as well but we’ll see (it’s just gotten to the point where I’ve liked him since I met him… So, a year and a half yesterday… And I need to tell him regardless of if all we’ll ever be is friends).
My Junior year starts this fall
Then my license and hopefully my 4th year of faire in the spring/summer of 2012
Senior year starts fall of 2012
Sending in college applications probably January of 2013 (that is, if the Myan calendar is wrong :P)
Graduating that May-ish
Hopeful 5th year of faire that summer
Starting college (whoa) fall of 2013
4 years of college with faire possibly (hopefully) in between earning a Bachelor’s in Religion/Theology
Hopefully graduating in spring of 2017
Then probably going to Seminary that fall to get a Master’s in the Art of Religion and hopefully becoming a Chaplain Candidate in the United States Army Chaplain Corps.
Now, notice all of the hopefully-s and probably-s. If something tragic happens something’s inevitably going to change. If I end up in a serious relationship then something might change. If I get married it’s almost definitely going to change. If I have kids then it’s definitely definitely going to change things (most notably the whole Army part). And all of that is fine with me. Life happens… I just figured it’d be good to have a general idea of where I’d like to be headed for the next few years just in case no life-changing events happen. 😉 Personally I’d love to be married and possibly have kids in 10 years (but that kind of depends on more people than just me so I can’t completely control it). Why? Because I’m horribly romantic at heart and I absolutely love the thought of having children and a husband whom I love and who loves me. Having a family seems fantastic to me. 🙂
Secondly- some things I believe:
I believe in my God. My Father, if you will. Call him Allah or Yahweh or whatever you want… I call him Father.
I believe in his son and my savior, Jesus Christ and I believe he came to this Earth to seek and save his fellow man, that He ministered here and was crucified on the cross for being called The King of the Jews. I believe that after 3 days in the tomb he came back to life and that He stayed on this Earth for 40 more days before ascending into Heaven.
I believe that acceptance of personal sins and of Christ’s love is the only way to total peace and salvation with and in the Trinity.
I believe that, after Christ ascended, God introduced his spirit to this Earth in the form of the Holy Ghost and that the Spirit is what makes up our conscience and who we are.
I believe the Father, Son and Spirit are 3 forms of the same, divine, perfect, creator; a trinity.
I believe in Guardian angels (I like to think that mine is somewhat like Clarence).
I believe in a Heaven more beautiful than I can imagine; with a room specifically made for each one of God’s children.
I believe that there’s a way for people who never had the chance to accept or reject Christ to have a second chance.
I believe in a Hell where you’re separate from God and by extension, love. I think the only way a human being ends up there is if they reject Christ’s salvation and love ’till their dying breath.
I believe we’re living in the 7th Day. The Day that God rests.
I believe God hears and responds to every single prayer. It’s up to us to stay open minded to how he’s responding.
I believe He holds every one of his children in his heart.
I believe that God gave us this Earth and it’s resources to take care of and to enrich our life (in the form of food, beauty and companions).
I believe that there are a lot of things in this world that are beyond my comprehension and that’s okay with me.
I believe that there is a certain amount of truth to everything but not everything is true.
I believe that there was a beginning of time but that God was before it.
I believe in love.
Thirdly- Some more stuff about me (as if I haven’t posted enough):
My life is chock-full of contradictions.
Something I want to do more than anything is walk through a garden with a very particular person.
My hands get dried out really easily.
I am now the proud owner of a Scandalli Piano Accordion. His name is Louis.
I can’t get said particular person out of my mind.
When I’m around said person (which is, unfortunately, not very often) I can’t think straight.
Said state of being around said person is all the worse when he ends up whispering to me and it takes all I’ve got to actually hear what he’s saying… 🙂
I think it would be an absolutely perfect turn of events if me and said particular person got to know and understand each other… Like we were a team (which is kind of ironic because we’re always teamed up against my twin in Frisbee and stuff anyway).
His high fives are awesome. Just sayin’
When he smiles, and he’s genuinely happy, you can tell because it shows in his eyes… A lot.
I really want to get to know him… Understand him… Know what makes him who he is, I guess.
I really need to stop talking about him… I’m bordering on creepy (or is it just bordering on normal teenage girl?).
I love a total of 2 things more than pork chops- People and Louis Scandalli.
Yep. It’s just teenage girl syndrome (and quite frankly, I’m okay with that… I want to be a teenager as long as possible so that I don’t have to grow up so soon).
Fourthly- Who I wanna end up as kind of:
I want to be more patient
I want to be a good wife and mother someday
I want to be a good sister and daughter now
I want to meditate more
I want to die having understood at least one human being
I want to show love unconditionally
I want to never lose my childhood
I want a “Peculiar Lightness of Being”
I want to understand the “Particular Serendipity of Life”