If I could, I would


Well, I’m back!  I’m not going to try to go through everything that’s happened since I posted last…  Let’s suffice to say that I’ve had an amazing January and February is kind of upside down but not horrid.

February started off with me sending a letter to the young man I’ve liked for a year and a half.  A LONG overdue letter.  I’ve been hurt in the past.  Like, my best friend dating the guy I like and then the both of them kind of rejecting not just my friendship or affection but rejecting who I was…  Cue depression (I don’t hardly remember anything from that year and a half.  I remember people saying I looked sad all of the time and I remember really smiling for the first time in what felt like forever at ren faire).  Yeah, it was rough but I see now that I could have done things differently and it could have been worse than it was.  Regardless I’ve been terrified of rejection ever since then.  So, that’s why it took me an accursed year and a half to muster the guts to tell this guy that I like him.

Well, now I’m the proud owner of my very own love story.

Said young man sent me a letter back.  The gist that I basically got says that he likes me too and he was scared of rejection as well and he wishes that one of us had said something sooner.  You see, it’s too late (at least for the foreseeable future).  He has a girlfriend.

BUT, this wasn’t rejection like I’ve felt before.  This is two people who really like each other and that are so stupidly scared that they don’t say anything ’till it’s too late and they just have to hurry up and wait.  Two people who know how stupid they are and are unbelievably sorry that they were so dumb.  I can’t imagine what it was like for him to have had to write me back what he did.  His letter just made me fall all the harder for him.  Yes, I’m ridiculous.  *sigh*

You see, the part that all of these love stories leave out (think The Princess Bride or The Notebook or any other legendary love story) is the waiting part.  Yeah, they show the uber stupid part and yes, they show the lovely reunion and the happily ever after but they leave out the horrid amounts of time in between the stupid and the happy (the part that makes it hard and makes it life).  They leave out the fact that the characters involved don’t know if their happy will come.  I don’t know if there will be a happy ending to this.  I sure hope so.  I want beyond belief for there to be, but I don’t KNOW.  I have to be patient.  We’re really good friends who are just inevitably going to grow closer over the next year; and I have to be okay with that.  I have to be okay with the thought that that might be all we ever are.  Right now, there’s no way I could move on.  There’s nobody to move on too…  And it’s not like I want to move on just yet.  I’m growing more used to the waiting every day but it’s a little draining.

That’s all I’ve got.  That’s it.  A love story that’s not so much a story.  One that, right now, is saying “if we could, we would, but we can’t”; we’re just good friends.  One that I hope ends happily and together or with both of us happily moved on with no regrets.

Me 🙂

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