I don’t know, maybe it’s because I can almost taste the end of high school in 2 years… Maybe it’s just the summer case of the can’t help its… But I really want to move and live on my own. I realize that I need my Mom and that I’m really probably not ready to be out on my own just yet, but I feel like it would bring peace.
If this young man and I could just be together and live and grow, then I’d be happy. If I could have a house that’s my home, a place I could make all my own. I’d be happy. I guess I just crave the ‘normal’ I long for. In effect, I feel slightly homeless at the moment. I’m not houseless by any means. Or lacking a family. But I don’t have a home, and I haven’t for a few years now. Tomorrow my brother, sister and I are staying the night at our Dad’s house for the first time. But it’s never going to be ‘home’ in the full meaning of the word because it’s not where I’ve grown up and my Mom will never be there. This house I’m in now will never be ‘home’ again because my Dad will never call this his again and because his things will be gone.
When I move out, I’m going to have a house that I stay in and make a home. A house that I can mess up however I want to because it will be mine. More than that, I’m itching to be with somebody because that will be the beginnings of a new family that I can call my own. A family that would be together and thrive. The family that will make all of this crap somehow worth it.
The hard part is that I can do abolutely nothing about right now for several reasons. Firstly being that I couldn’t leave my family right now, no matter how broken we are. I also need to finish school so I could get into college and learn some things that I want to learn. At the moment, I really don’t know if I want a degree in anything, but I want that atmosphere I guess… Just to learn specifically what I want. I suppose I might as well get a bachelor’s in something to make me more eligible for who knows what kind of decent paying job. I just want to try and fail and get back up again… I want to live, darn it. I itch to live making my own life. I love my Mom, and I’m sure I will always need her (and it’s not like she’s suffocating me, or anything), but I need to own my life more than I’m able to at home, I guess. I don’t know. *sigh* It’ll work out and I’m sure I’ll be terrified the day I go off to college. 🙂