I’m gaining them, I think. At least I hope I am. If I’m not then the pain I feel is worthless. The only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that it’s not forever, that I will be able to move on and that it will help me in the future with whatever life throws at me. I used to be naive. I probably still am. And I’m not sure I want to lose that, but I think voluntary naivete is better than, well, being naive about one’s naivete.
Life right now is hard. It’s painful. I fight half of my brain every day just in order to do things. To eat, get dressed, brush my teeth… In short, I fight the sometimes overwhelming feeling of depression. The feeling that I’ve fallen further than I knew was possible and I have no way out. And all I can do is keep doing the little things, keep eating and getting dressed and brushing my teeth. Because giving up those things won’t make it any better, it will just make it worse. Sometimes surrender is good. Surrender to depression is not. I’m fighting a depression, sometimes not as hard as I could, that is caused by things completely out of my control; yet they’re things that call everything into question. Things that make me wonder why I’m here and what I’m worth. Why the world is any better because of me. Things that make me question my life (as short as it may be as of yet)-long views of things such as intimate, romantic relationships (i.e.- my relationship with this young man I would REALLY like to be dating). It makes everything harder. I’ve found myself lately wondering if every little thing is going to mess everything up… Because somehow my brain has equated some small mistake with my parent’s divorce. Why? No clue. I think it’s more of a defense in the face of fear mechanism. A small mistake is not the reason for the pain my family and I feel right now. I don’t know what it was, but surely it wasn’t small… Both of my parent’s are too strong for something small to have broken them apart. Maybe I just have a problem with not knowing. Or maybe I have a problem with knowing that nobody knows what happened… Not even my parents. So, maybe I’m afraid I’ll do something that will wreck either my plans for college or my relationship with my family or my future relationships (whether it’s with this particular young man or somebody else) and I won’t even know it until it’s too late. That thought terrifies me.
Thankfully, there are also things I’m in the process of surrendering to that give me more freedom from my fears. I’m surrendering to love. To hope. To the knowledge that I’ll be okay. To my faith. To Christ. And it makes it better. It doesn’t take the pain away… Not even remotely. But it makes it bearable. It makes me laugh and smile and feel at peace.
I’m at a point in my life, I guess, where my general familial relationships would be changing anyway and my family being a ‘broken family’ doesn’t make it any easier. I’m gaining necessary independence from my parent’s while, at the same time, getting to know who they are. To know the Dad I haven’t knows for four years. To know the Mom who I watched break; the Mom who was working so hard to just keep herself together for the past year or so, that there wasn’t the communication between us that would have conveyed the fact that I would suddenly be doing all of this scary stuff like driving and getting a job and being away from home more and more and yet I would be okay. I’m having to not wish my last two years at home away, while I no longer have one ‘home’… I have two ‘homes’ that aren’t really homes for different reasons. To start exploring this whole dating thing that will lead to a new family, and all the while I have to think about what’s going to happen if my Mom starts dating somebody and making a new family herself. Afraid that I’ll mess this whole dating thing up or that nobody will want to be with me because I’m so broken and they have no idea how much.
*sigh* I’ll be all right. That’s what I tell myself. That and I’m alive and that’s doing pretty good as far as I’m concerned. 😉