Ya know, there was a time when I really thought it could never really be strange for someone to be happy… Either you’re happy or you’re not. I stand corrected. I’m very happy and at peace right now and that is just bizarre.
It’s November 17th for all of those out there who weren’t informed of this fact by the little calendar in the bottom corner of their computer screen. It’s officially been 6 months since whatever it was that happened to my world happened (I’m not sure if it flipped upside down, righted itself finally, or did soething completely wonky in between). In the past 6 months, my faith, peace, joy and love have been really rather challenged in ways that I, in my infinitely obnoxious teenage girl ways, never thought I’d have to endure. I always had these grand ideas in my head of how strong my faith is and how, because of that and because of my Mommy (’cause she is just seriously awesome), I could never be broken. Like it was somehow bad to be broken. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have never looked down on people who were going through hard times in their lives, I’ve never thought that people are getting what they deserve from God or anything like that, but I guess I didn’t treat myself the same way. I have this tendency, you see, to be kind of hard on myself (a fact that my Mother and a couple family friends have informed me of). And yes, I realize how conceited that last part sounds.
These past few weeks, however, have been spent in some very intense quiet thinking, a few immensely meaningful conversations with my Mom and a few other lovely people (I really hope you guys know who you are and how thankful I am), and a random thing every now and then. I’ve realized a lot and somehow found my peace again for at least a little while. I know it’s probably not permanent, and that’s okay, I’ll take the peace I can find whenever I can reach it.
One of the wonderfully random things that happened to me was that somebody said I was beautiful. And I say somebody because I honestly have absolutely no clue who this woman is. I was standing on the front stoop thing of our local library in my favorite tee shirt and jeans, with my hair down, waiting for my Mom to come pick me up. I had just been looking out on the streets of Downtown and feeling very peaceful with the wind in my hair when I saw someone stop on the sidewalk below and say something to me. This little older lady who looked very strong, but like she had seen a lot in her life, looked up at me and said “You’re beautiful”, smiled, and walked on with her husband/boyfriend/seemingly significant other of some sort, leaving me to ponder the fact that some random stranger not only just called me beautiful, but made me feel beautiful. And I’m sure all of this sounds kind of shallow, but I’m not just talking outwardly beautiful here, and the way she said it makes me think she wasn’t either. That a perfect stranger can walk past me and call me beautiful, surely knowing just by her own experience of life that there’s a good possibility that I feel totally messed up, means to me that there is something beautiful about life. Something immensely wonderful and awesome and entirely and totally unexpected. And that gives me hope.
Then there’s the wonderful people who hug me, offer to talk with me, and encourage me to get back on my feet. They mean the world and it’s not anything I can ever hope to express in writing… It’s just not possible. They have shown me that I will be okay, that hugs and hot showers make all the difference and that somehow I am a decent girl with curly hair.
And lastly, there’s my intensely quiet conversations with God… I read a description once for God that I love immensely, “Father of my being, Brother of my heart and Lover of my soul.”
Me and God, we talked. We had some discussions… There were questions posed to me in my mind that the answer had the potential to change a lot of things about my relationships with other people, but mostly how I see myself and how I care for myself.
One of these concerned my Dad. It’s been bothering me a lot lately that I feel like there’s not room for my Dad… I filled the hole he left in my heart with God and a person who just kind of fell into the role of Dad to me somehow in the past couple years, so it’s been a matter of wanting to fit my Dad back into this space in my heart that he had vacated, one which I recently accepted others into. I’ve come to the realization that whatever part I’m able to give my Dad is good enough. I can’t do more than that without hurting myself and others… And that would not be beneficial at all to my relationship with my father. I love him and I respect him. I’ve forgiven him and I willingly live with him 50% of my evenings and weekends. I don’t agree with him on a lot of things and I don’t trust him easily, but some things take time. Our relationship will never be what a normal father/daughter relationship is ‘supposed’ to be because we’ve got resentment and hurt between us that will probably not go away for a long time. But I’ve decided that I will give him all of the love I can, because that’s all I can do and it’s what will make me feel at peace and be more apt to accept him into my life easier.
Another one of these conversations revolved around some weird mash up of my self esteem and this ‘man-friend’, as my youth pastor puts it, of mine. There’s a lot to this part that I don’t want to put on here as it is stuff just between me, him, and the voices in my head. 😉 Suffice it to say that I was really really debating whether I should like him or not. I know I want to like him, but I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. I decided it was fine for a while longer. He’s cool peoples. 🙂 Most of it was revolving around the fact that I didn’t feel very loveable as anything more than a friend to anybody. But then I talked to my Momma and she helped me through my lovely (note the *eye roll*) hormonal, emotional, boy/self esteem problems, ’cause she rocks.
So, now I’m just kind of tackling some school stuff and spending some more time talking to friends I’ve been rather disconnected from for the past six months… Life is peace right now, and I’ll take it while I can. 😉
P.S.- I’ve also learned a lot about who I am and who I want to be lately, but I’ve decided that those need to stew in my brain a little more before they can be accurately expressed. 😉