Have you ever just felt tired?
That’s what I’m feelin’ right now. Putting aside every other feeling, whether it’s of happiness, sadness, contentment, or anxiety, what I feel is exhaustion. Of my body, mind and spirit. I need to remember the good feelings, but right now they’re mostly just making the exhaustion a happier exhaustion than it was before. I’m tired of waiting, I’m tired of missing the people I love so dearly and I’m tired of not knowing if I love other people enough.
But, waiting is necessary and patience is a virtue, young padwon. It’s certainly not my favorite thing, and there is definitely a time and a place for diving headfirst into things, but now is a time when waiting is the only option.
Missing people is, theoretically, a good thing… Because if I didn’t miss my Mommy, a certain young man and a family friend who is somewhat of a father figure to me, then I’d say I have issues, as those three people, along with my brother and sister are the closest people to me. I also greatly miss a handful or so of people who I consider my bestest friends and mentors… Missing these people reminds me of how strong my love is for them; it reminds me that I won’t turn into what I fight against and that I’ll always work to value the relationships in my life over everything else in my life. Plus (and probably more importantly), it reminds me of memories with those people and how blessed I am to have them in my life; it reminds me of just how loved I am, whether I’m loving myself very much at the moment or not.
Then there’s the knowing who to love thing. It sounds so black & white when you hear ‘love the people who treat you right and forget the ones who don’t’… But then you realize that, even if somebody’s not treating you exactly right, doesn’t mean they’re treating you wrong. Especially when that person is your father. I’ve struggled a lot lately with what to do. I come here, to my Dad’s, every Wednesday, knowing that I’m going to be spending the next 5 nights (every other week) with him and not with Mom; knowing that the following Monday I will feel so off balance in regards to life because of what happens here. And then the saying ‘the home is where the heart is’ is all too real. On a regular basis, my heart is where I am with my Mom and about an hour away where two of the most important people in my life reside, but then I go to my Dad’s and my heart is in 3 places instead of 2. I feel like Tom Riddle must of felt like in the beginning of splitting his soul, only mine is not exactly my choice… Only, it is. You see, I’m not required by anybody to be at my Dad’s house. Nobody requires that I ever see my Dad again. I do it to myself. Why? Because to leave him would resemble (all too closely) the way he left me, and I don’t know if I could sleep at night with that knowledge. Because I am NOT the person my father is. Period. Also, as it is, I only have a year and a half left with my brother and sister. The bond I have with my twin is kind of hard to describe, but, while we definitely don’t always get along, I miss him when one of us is missing. And my sister… She’s so little and I’ll be leaving soon after her 8th birthday. I have to stay with her while I can. Because no matter how much we all want my Dad to learn how to take care of her correctly, he’s not going to… He hasn’t yet. He might when he knows he has no other choice, but that’s not going to happen until my twin and I are gone. I’m the only one that knows how to get her to sleep half the time… I don’t know how I know, I just know that I do and that I’m glad I do. I’m the one that she comes to when she’s crying from being yelled at all day because my Dad doesn’t know how to calm himself down without taking it out verbally on the people around him. And we’re adapting. Though that doesn’t make half the things he does right by any stretch of the imagination. I’m tired of needing to adapt to somebody who left me and will again. I’m tired of knowing that I don’t want him to be my dad near as much as I want to be able to call this other person my dad. I’m just plain tired of negativity and all the obnoxious stuff.
But- It’ll be all right. It’ll all come out in the wash. Keep moving forward. And all that.