Risky


I don’t do many ‘risky’ things, I don’t suppose.
I’ve been labeled the goody two shoes, the innocent one, you name it.
Never has taking chances been my middle name.
And I’m not sure it ever will be.
Not without good reason.
Which I may have found.
 
Not to say I don’t have a life.
I just tend to stay on the safe side.
Mostly because of ‘you’.
You being a handful of people that have broken my heart in two.
And it’s still healing.
Day by day.
Step by step.
 
And the most important thing I’ve learned
Possibly in my entire life for the past 5 years
Is that
Sometimes
Taking the risks is the quickest way to healing
Sometimes.
 
To break past the fear
Knowing that
No matter what
I am beloved by my Father, My Creator, My Lord.
I was made in His image
I will fall short
There is no doubt
But He will pick me back up again
And help me break past the hurt
And heal once more.
And this knowledge is why
I will keep taking the risks that I can’t live without.
 
There’s a really lovely quote
“It is a risk to love.
But what if it doesn’t work out?
Ah, but what if it does. ”
By Peter McWilliams
 
I try my best to keep it in mind.
But I fail…
A lot.
 
I took one of the biggest risks of my life
Approximately 78 days ago
I dove headfirst into trying to start a relationship
Can you say ‘WHOA’?
Big realizations have come my way
 
Realizing just what I want out of life’s ultimate Best Friend
And what I need
Realizing what I want but can live without
Realizing the physical pain attached to missing someone you love so much
Without really knowing the person you love
As time is an issue
And something he doesn’t have much of
Knowing that expectations are my own worst enemy
That communication is the most important thing
Realizing that doubts get in the way
But that they need to be addressed
Or they’ll sit a fester
 
And, also, I’ve realized what it feels like
To see even the remotest possibility of unrequited love
Even though he said ‘yes’
Not knowing has almost made my heart break
Because I’m assuming the worst:
That it might be over before we’ve even started.
 
Hence a phone call this evening that I don’t want
But need.
A conversation that could mean growth
The end
Or reassurance
 
I’ll say I’ll keep trying
I won’t give up
But you have to keep trying with me
I need more from you
Or I don’t know what to do
I won’t know how to trust you
How to be worthy of your trust
I’ll say that I hope we can still try
Because I care so very much about you
There’s something about you
Something special
That just makes me feel alive
But I need to know that I make you feel the same
I need to know you care
Distance is our biggest barrier
And I need your reassurance to keep going despite that.
 
We need to take this risk together, if it’s gonna work.
Nobody ever said it would be easy
It’ll probably be hard
But I’ll do it if you will
Because you are worth it, I am worth it, and we are worth it.
 
And I have no more words
I only hope this is enough
That the doubts and fears are unfounded
That my risk will be worth it
That, if it isn’t, I’ll be able to take the risk again.
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