So, this is really just a random post of everything in my brain exactly how and when it comes out… Heaven help you if you decide to read past this sentence. Considering it’s currently midnight, I’m going to claim exhaustion if I say something ridiculous (not that I’m going to change it later if I do, though).
“It is the silence between sound that creates rhythm”
HOW NICE IS THAT!?!?! And so very fitting for me right now. And the inspirational word is dance. Dude, I want this on a shirt. Or I want the poster only a million times bigger and plastered to my ceiling… At both houses.
Have I mentioned how much I love dancing lately? How it’s as important to me as breathing? How that’s also a large part of why I play accordion? Louis and dancing… They’re like breathing… Like exercising my soul. Have I mentioned how much I love dancing with Heart Thief?
Speaking of the Boy… I’m confused. Bumfuzzled, if you will. I dunno if he doesn’t want to go out with me anymore… It’s been over 1/4 of a year since I asked him out (not that I’m keeping track or anything), and I’m lost. I’m giving Facebook a break right now because it’s causing me even more confusion… And enables my brain to make its horrid scenarios even worse. *sigh* I am THE goofy teenage girl who’s fallen in love. Never thought I’d admit to that. Cue mushy smushy crazy boy obsessed girl: I’ve seen him twice since January 2nd and talked to him at least once a week since February 14th. Well, except for once. I was kind of mad at him, and I didn’t call him… I’m not so sure I’ll be doing that again anytime soon… It just made everything in my mind worse. Somehow just his voice on the other end of the phone and the little, random things he says are enough to reassure me. Even if it’s only enough to reassure me until we see each other again or talk on the phone again. You see, I’ve been quite the silent emotional mess this past month or so… This is manifesting itself in a craving for communication. For conversation. Particularly with him. Particularly ever since Saturday (the second time I’ve seen him since 1/2/2012). Every single freakin post on FB pretty much has at leas been attached to him in my mind… A good portion of them even have him tagged. On top of sending him a really really long message about 2 weeks ago (in response to him apologizing for the gazillionth time about his schedule… Which is fine. And I do understand and I do forgive him… But sometimes it doesn’t seem like he’s doing anything AT ALL to try to make me part of his schedule and he’s been ending conversations with comments about how it seems like nothing’s working out… Which just does not do anything at all for my optimism as far as our relationship goes), a message today with a song by some pirate friends of ours that I knew he’d want to hear, and posting on his wall asking if he wanted to go to dance this past Monday. He hasn’t acknowledged any of them in any way, shape, or form. And I’m stuck between a rock and a hard spot with no clue about what to do. Faire starts in 9 days… I can’t confront him about diddly squat on the phone because my brain goes to mush. And Facebook isn’t exactly the medium to do that… And, honestly, I don’t think I would be able to emotionally handle telling him I don’t want to try to do this anymore because I don’t feel important to him, because I’ll be seeing him every weekend through July and I think an attempt at not liking him would fail. Miserably. And, I’m stubborn and want to keep liking him. I just don’t want to mess up and try to keep a hold of something that would be better off as just friends, especially if he doesn’t really want to be around me anymore. I’m confused. And hurting. And lonely. And tired. And I don’t know what to do to change it or fix it or anything. I mean, I could just ask him if he still wants to go on a date with me, but that kind of puts him on the spot and I’m not so sure that he’s any better with that sort of pressure than I am. I just want him to do SOMETHING. Anything. Yes or no. I just need to know and I don’t think there’s anything else I can do. I mean, seriously, if he would just start some sort of conversation with me, or reply to that message or acknowledge the fact that i exist. It would help. So, right now, i suppose I just keep going and hope that things get easier once faire starts and he graduates, and if they don’t, then I’ll find some way to let go of this. I guess I just feel kind of jaded right now… I mean, he DID tell me that he’d go on a date with me. And he’s sorry… SO I feel kind of bad about being aggravated, but it sometimes doesn’t seem like he’s doing anything to change our predicament. So, it doesn’t feel like he really wants to go on a date with me. And I don’t know what I’ve done wrong or what I need to do. I do know that I’m going to bed now, though. *yawn* I pray for peace. That’s all I want. Peace.