On coming down from the recent high of life


Haven’t written lately…  Been sooooo very busy and any free time has been taken up by mostly sleeping or some other form of resting.  Plus there were a few things I needed to ignore over the Summer that would be even more present in my mind if I were to start writing.

Anyway

Faire is over

My Junior year is almost finally done (apparently having a job takes time…  Who would’ve thunk it?)

I have a ‘normal’ job which is so beyond enjoyable and exhausting at the same time.

I have about a month until I can officially say that I only have one more year before I’m out there facing the world which is bittersweet in so many ways.

Life has been grande the past 2 or 3 months.

But

I’m an emotional wreck right now. 

Sitting in bed at Dad’s listening to my favorite songs and subsequently being reminded of my favorite people and how a grande total of 2 of them are close enough to hug and they’re both asleep. 

Looking back on the past year and everything it’s been. 

My Father and I have made great strides in our relationship.  We still annoy the snot out of each other, but we do it with respect, I think.

I’ve grown closer to a man who is like my Dad in sooo many ways.  Realized that that man is far from perfect.  That he’s done things recently that have hurt my family because we’re all human and no more.  Most importantly, I’ve learned that I can forgive him and continue to have a relationship with him and also that he loves us and we love him regardless.  I’ve also learned that, when, for whatever reason, he’s not on the phone weekly, I miss him.  I got so used to being able to turn to Mom and say ‘tell him so and so’ and either she would tell him or just hand me the phone.  I got so used to hearing her trademark ‘here why don’t you tell her yourself’ and being handed the phone.  I miss advice on boys (and could really use some right now).  I miss the how are you’s that seemed so sincere and not just a formality.  He had been such a gigantic part of my life before things happened to change that.  I felt like he was proud of me for who knows what reason…  Something I’ve never felt a lot of from my Dad and grew to yearn for.  I look up to him and respect him because of the way he treats people and respects life in general.  I want to be a combination of him, my Momma and a handful of other people when I grow up.  For a few blissful months, I felt like I had a whole family for the first time in my life and I’ll never forget that.  And I’ll always be thankful for having a Dad that didn’t have to be a Dad and was such a natural at it, if only for a little while.  Thank you, Mr. Incredible. 

For the record, I’m crying.  Again.  *Sigh*

Which brings us to our next big heartache.  To your left you can see me, a confused mess along with some of the stuff I had to ignore for the summer or risk losing my best friend and my sanity.  Boy, asked him out approximately 6 1/2 months ago (but who’s keeping track?), he said yes, lots of ‘I’m really sorry, I can’t’ for the next couple months, talk to him on the phone at least once a week (though always me calling him…  But he never seemed annoyed, so I kept calling just to talk, because that’s what you do, right?), seems like he ignores me the first time we actually see each other since January (at a parade), I don’t call the following week because I’m upset, I decide I’m never again not calling just because I’m upset, I call the next week, he says he’s “just really bad at being where I’m supposed to be” and he’s sorry, I forgive him, we have a nice conversation.  I keep calling him (or e-mailing him if I know he’s too busy to talk) every week for the next month and he even calls me back a couple times when he can’t talk when I call, we keep talking, spiffy conversations, I think everything’s all right and he’ll have time to go out once he graduates.  Rehearsals start, everything’s fine for the most part, but he wouldn’t sit next to me which was puzzling, he has a graduation party that I only know about because I see him post the event on Facebook and invite a bunch of people that aren’t me, I go to prom with a friend of ours because she’s awesome and have a blast, he goes to prom with who knows who, I admit to myself that yes I am bummed he didn’t ask me to prom, he asks how my prom went during the next phone call so I’m oddly content again.  Birthday comes and goes with fantastic celebrating, most notably at a gaming convention that he came to us with (and I swear we almost held hands).  1 week after that wonderful, grande time with him, sharing many smiles and much laughing/ganging up on my twin in Magic, his sister tells me he has a girlfriend.  First day of faire and I get some of the worst, non-perilous news I could.  And she must’ve told him I knew or something because he started acting different around me.  Not cool.  Especially at the beginning of the season.  Everything between us is odd for the first 3 weekends.  And I know it wasn’t just me.  I got married the the town butcher the 3rd weekend.  And strangely, after that, we’re more normal, though not back to almost hand-holding and him hugging me good morning.  Which makes me sad.  I start spending large amounts of time with town butcher (who gets our marriage annulled the following weekend, which was almost as much fun as the wedding).  (The thing about the Butcher is that he is a very charismatic young man who is very handsome and knows how to woo his female counterparts, unfortunately.  He’s trouble, but we play and flirt, I suppose, and have a grande time and he knows my limits and that he better respect them.)  He takes my mind off of the weird relationship thing I’ve got.  Last weekend, we’re back to what we were before I asked him out, I think.  AKA: friends.  And I just wish I knew what happened.  Why he started dating her, if he even wants to be around me anymore (because sometimes it doesn’t feel like it) and what I’m going to do in a year when I am definitely in the same city and possibly the same campus as him.  I’m an emotional mess.  I miss him.  I have no idea if he wants me.  And, if by some stretch of the imagination, he brings up going out with me after she leaves in August, it’s not happening until he does some ‘splaining.  Having the parents I do, pretending upsetting things in any relationship didn’t happen is not the way to roll.  It’s a very bad idea.  But I still want to be around him and I wish it was all just a bad dream.  The worst part is that I trusted him every single time he said he was sorry, every single time he said he was busy.  I know that at least once ‘busy’ was playing an RPG with his girlfriend.  I want to be able to trust him.  I know he wasn’t purposefully ‘playing’ me or her, because he is really not that type of guy.  I just wish I knew why and what I am to him.  And I don’t know if any of this makes any sense at all.  And I don’t know what to do, but I don’t want to let him go.  I love him.  Which is such a bizarre thing to say.  I need someone to tell me what I should do…  ‘Cause I’m lost and Mom doesn’t want to talk about boys.  She’ll listen, which is fantastic, but doesn’t have any advice to give (which, right now, is honestly understandable).  I am at a loss.   

And now I’m tired.  Good night and sweet dreams.

Me

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