Disjointed Emotions

I wish I could hold the Baby Girl until all of this was over.  And tell her that being the daughter of our Dad is something that a person can survive.  It doesn’t really seem like it when he’s making fun of you and saying he’s proud of you at the same time.  But it’s doable.  Or else I wouldn’t be here.  I wish I could tell her that she shouldn’t listen to him when he says things like how much of a baby she is and how she can’t just be good but she has to be perfect.  I wish I could tell her that he’s always been this way and that he’s not willing to change.  I wish I could tell her that she’s all the perfect she needs to be, but she should still try and do everything to the best of her ability.  I don’t care about everybody else’s ability.  I want her to try hard to master things so that she can use them, so that she can feel proud of herself.  I don’t care is she’s at the top.  I don’t care if she’s at the bottom.  I care if she’s accomplishing her goals.  If she’s working hard to do what she needs to do so she can make her dreams real.  I want her to know that, no matter what Dad says, when I leave for college in a year, it won’t be the kind of thing where I come home every weekend the first year and then only for holidays after that, if I come home at all.  I want her to know that I might not be home every weekend.  That there are things in my life that I need to do that don’t necessarily include her and vice versa.  But that I want to share my experiences with her and for her to share her experiences with me.  I want her to know that she can call me or message me or send me a letter whenever she wants.  I might not answer right away, but I will answer her.  That if she wants to go hang out at a park or library every once in a while, I’m totally game and always will be.  I want her to know I love her. 


Nextly, I want Sir Zwei to know that he has made me one of the happiest people alive.  We’re on our way to being okay.  To not being tense and doubtful and constantly full of sorrow and regret.  He says I’m one of the best people he’s ever met.  I have no idea how I deserve that.  But he has no idea how he deserves my friendship after all the obnoxious stuff he’s done lately.  And I think that’s part of the beauty of us.  We are on our way to being best friends again…  And neither one of us deserves it.  It’s an amazing thing.  🙂  I’m taking this really really slow this time.  For all I know, he still has another girlfriend.  And I’m okay with that,  I can’t be anything more than friends with him right now, anyway.  But I want to grow to be closer to him, just as friends, so that maybe the pressure isn’t there and we can just enjoy each others’ company until we’re in a position to be together.  And who knows, that might not happen.  But then again it might.  And I still want to be his friend.  Because he’s one of the most amazing people I know.  And we understand each other on a level that I don’t have with hardly anybody else (and the amazing thing is that he said that first).  🙂 


Me ❤ 🙂

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