I Guess You Can Call It Closure

“Closure:  A feeling of finality or resolution, especially after a traumatic experience.”

Traumatic probably stretches it a bit.  I probably exaggerate it in my head and in my heart.  But it’s the closest word to the truth of what I feel.

I feel so ridiculous- I should be over this, I shouldn’t hurt anymore.  But I do.  I’ve gone through the part where I had no idea what was going on.  I’ve gone through the realization of a really obnoxious reality.  I’ve gone through the struggle of accepting it.  I’ve gone through the confrontation.  I’ve gone through the apology, and I’ve gone through the forgiveness.  I should be okay now.  I should be able to let it go.  But I’m not, and I can’t.  There is forgiveness, and it’s the most natural act of forgiveness I think I’ve ever experienced.  But it also illustrates more strongly than I’ve ever experienced just how cyclical, or possibly spiral-y (theoretically in a vaguely upwards direction), forgiveness is.  I forgive, I take it back, I pray, I forgive again more strongly.  So maybe I’m just praying right now.

June came with the worst heartache.  July came with seeing my heartache right smack dab between my eyes.  August came and went with words of sorrow, words of forgiveness, and words of a certain kind of love and appreciation, and also many questions left unanswered; many questions which probably don’t have an answer, much less a mouth to speak them well.  September had some really lovely and long conversations; friends once more.  October was lonely, silent, and the bearer of too many memories.

November brought the closure.  The realization that I was probably never what I thought and hoped and could have sworn I was to him.  That maybe he was vaguely attracted to me at some point, but that there was someone better.  Someone else he would rather dance with.  And the pictures and observed words to show it.

Regardless, I feel beyond stupid.  So stupid to let myself love him.

I feel stupid for thinking this is an issue anymore.  He apologized and I forgave, why can’t I just get over it?  Why am I still crying?  Why do I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I will let myself love again, even with the risk? Why can’t I just be okay with being his friend?

Better question: Did I (do I) really love him?  Feels like it.  Did he ever feel a thing for me (either there was something between us or I’m downright insane or he took pity on me,  and I don’t know which one I would rather it be)?  When he was too scared, what was it of?  What *exactly* did he lie about?  Why can’t I just let it go?

I want to be able to hug him like I did in September.  I want to be his friend.  I want to be able to hug him without this horrible feeling of loneliness.

I want to stop being so ridiculous.

I want to laugh with him and make silly faces.  And I’m the only one stopping that from happening, well and my acquaintances Distance and Time.  But I’m tired of them mattering more than me.  Because they don’t matter more than Her.  And that hurts.  Because somehow I can be one of the best and not good enough.  And I don’t understand.

How do I stop being ridiculous?

I’m so tired.  Tired of this cycle of being okay, being freakin’ fantastic, and then doing this whole closure thing for one more aspect of whatever it is I’ve been a part of and then being a mess all over again.

Why’d he say yes if he didn’t mean it?  Why is forgiveness so long?

I don’t even have an inkling of an idea of what to do with what I’m feeling.  So confused.  So hurt.  So lost.  So stupid feeling.

Me :/



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2 Responses to I Guess You Can Call It Closure

  1. rea says:

    Being able to write this and cry some has brought some momentary peace.

  2. rea says:

    For the record, I saw him about two weeks after posting this… It was his family’s Christmas party and my Mom and I went for the second year in a row. It was nice. It helped me to see that maybe this whole being friends thing was okay. I walked up the steps and in the front door and, after his Dad hugged us and excitedly rambled (the way he does) about the trolley (yes, trolley) he was the new proud owner of (at this point I feel inclined to say that his entire family is pretty fantastic), The Boy weaves his way through the crowd from the other side of the living room and says “You. I need to hug you.” And it was lovely. And the best way to start out an evening.

    Any moments where I would normally feel like I didn’t understand what was going on, or I would feel hurt for who knows what reason, were never felt because I had Mom and a couple really good friends there in agreement of the obnoxiousness of men (though we love them dearly anyway). I had been given the incredibly helpful (and utterly heartbreaking) advice to just let our relationship fade some, because it just wasn’t what I wanted it to be in my head, and so I need to step away from it a bit and get some perspective… That and some ruminating on how and why I need to mentally prepare myself for time spent with him (and I’m very inclined to not like that at all, and I feel like it’s a fault of mine that I can’t just be with him and be okay, but I’m working on that) meant that it was a pretty nice night.


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