I haven’t heard from him in almost a week… He texts at 11 pm. His girlfriend of less than a year is in labor. About to bring a little boy into the world that isn’t his. He’s 19. He can’t see her, only her Mom and brother are allowed in. He’s antsy. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do. Being a father scares him to death. I tell him I’d hug him if I could. I don’t even know if he’s the hugging type. I never hugged him when he was here instead of 500 miles away. He just wants to see his girlfriend. He just wants to be okay. I tell him I have to go because my eyes are not staying open much longer. I fight the urge to tell him I love him.
That last part. It kind of startled me a bit. Never before have I felt the need to tell him that. Of course I love him, he’s the best friend a straight guy who isn’t your boyfriend can be. We talk… All the time. He comes to me for peace. I find the same in being able to share troubles with him. We trust each other. He no longer sends me the texts that read ‘but don’t tell anyone about this’, and neither do I. It’s a given. Heck, I could even see us growing to love each other more completely if life as we know it was totally flipped around and he was single and home and wanted to give it a shot. And I know I’ve felt, selfishly and more often than I care to admit, that I would be better for him than this girl. BUT, I never had to stop myself from typing those 3 little words after ‘get some rest, I’ll text you in the morning.’ Because they were never there, that close to the proverbial paper at my fingertips. I hope he knows that he’s loved. Whatever choice he makes in regards to whether or not he’s going to stay and be this baby boy’s Dad, I hope he knows I love him. I hope one day, when I know he won’t flee in terror, afraid that I mean something different than I do, I’ll be able to put down those 3 little words.