As I get ready to sit down and work a lot of ideas out regarding relationships and Christian marriage and such… (Because I really want to have some idea of where I stand so that whatever promise of marriage I enter into later in life will be grounded in faith.) I feel the need to let you all in on a secret. Shhhhhhh…
I think I’m gonna be okay.
This last year and almost a half has been ridiculous for my heart. (Should you care to know the story it can be found in all of it’s glory by scrolling through the archives… I’m really too lazy to link to specific posts right now. For which I apologize.)
But now, I think I’m moving on. And I’m okay with that.
That young man and I have been nothing but kind to each other, and I have found immense peace in separating myself from him emotionally. And our friendship is something I’m getting to be happy with. It still hurts terribly when I see him have a conversation with his at least once upon a time girlfriend. Because he talks to her like I wish he would have talked to me. He cares about her like I thought he cared about me. But that’s my responsibility to address within myself, and I’m okay with that. I just need more time. I sincerely hope he’s with a girl that makes him happy. I hope my friendship is not a source of regret for him. I hope he’s forgiven himself and that I can keep forgiving him. (I’m still quite the fan of his hugs and humor. 😉 )
I almost lost the sweet young man I love like a brother. He’s the victim of some horrible deceit and hurt. He was used. And my heart breaks for him. He’s urged me to guard my heart. And I only hope I’ll listen (without becoming a recluse). He’s helped me see that young men of faith exist who care beyond belief about their ladies. We had a conversation shortly before he moved back home due to a need for some stability… And I paraphrase:
Boy: I just need a girl I can love and take care of and who will love me and support me emotionally.
Me: That’s nice. I can understand that, I think.
Boy: You think? You’ve never had a guy who cares for you like that?
Boy: Well that’s a shame. I hope you find someone.
Me: Me, too.
This gave me a strange sense of hope. I like guys who are straightforward with how they feel. It’s a lot easier to communicate with them about things like this.
ANYWAY… The really super exciting part is that I’m actually letting myself entertain the thought of liking a guy I know. Actually two guys I know… Because I’m not letting myself outright fall for either of them. They’re both super smart and kind. One of them dances phenomenally well and I haven’t talked to him much at all until just recently. The other one just started dancing and we’ve been talking for like 3 weeks straight. The point is that I can actually bring myself to be totally happy when I’m around these guys. The only current problem is that the latter of the two is someone I’m really tempted to just outright like and fall for and not care about slowing down to protect my heart. Typically, that would be all right. Except that he’s still getting over liking one of my bestest girlfriends. And I’m still just barely over liking his roommate. And except that I have no idea if he likes me beyond being my friend. And I’d rather not set myself up for that much heartbreak. BUT, I’m still excited about being happy with them and with my friendship with the aforementioned other two young men. And I feel the need to post this cause I’m a weirdo. 😉