Prelude (I don’t know the relevant literary term right now, so this’ll do, and oddly it fits)- I’ve been working on the thoughts for this for a few weeks and they’re at the point where they’re words now. Which is why you get this. It doesn’t necessarily make more sense than it did when it was just thoughts (partly because it’s probably too many things to be an ‘it’), but that’s just how it is. It’s also pretty weirdly organized, because I just keep tacking things into random spots as new stuff happens in this brain of mine.
First of all- Hope. Always. Beautiful, selfless thing of awesomeness. If there’s something that describes my faith, it’s that Christ is hope. It’s that I want to be this hope that persists through the storms and winters.
Second of all- To Whom it May Concern, “I’ve missed you, but I haven’t met you.” This makes next to no sense and yet I understand it perfectly. And sometimes this helps when I feel a little like Little Miss.
Third of all (spoiler if you watch New Girl)- Zooey Deschanel in New Girl is what keeps me from feeling stupid a lot. The conversation in my head generally goes something like “why yes, what you did was just silly and somewhat ridiculous and possibly stupid, HOWEVER, dear lady, Jessica Day does sillier stuff and she (spoilers) IS STILL THE BEST THING EVER AND STILL GETS MILLER.” And my (good) awkwardness (because there’s definitely bad kinds) will only ever be the good pepper smell. (Boys… *eyeroll* 😀 They’re some of my favorite people, but they say some interesting things sometimes.)
Now, I’m a grown up. And that’s something I kind of need to remind myself of every once in a while (that is, if every once in a while is every five or so minutes). Because it’s kind of surprising and sometimes I feel like I’m lying to myself, and other times it feels so very “me” (which might be a kind of egotistical thing to say). I’m still living at home, which, while it’s had its own small set of harsh difficulties recently, relieves a certain amount of stress (as in the stress of feeding myself, paying rent, and having a job). And doing things on my own is thrilling and terrifying. Seriously:
- The other day I went to get a haircut (my hair now feels wonderful) and there were moments when I felt socially inept (like seriously, I asked the lady how to tip her since I was paying with my debit card… And I really should know how that works by now, but I just wanted to make sure I didn’t forget to do it all together), but those were quelled with thoughts of “HELLO! You’re driving and doing things and running errands, and nobody’s had a mental breakdown yet! So shut up and be happy, dang it.”
- I also have a commute now… My twin drives it 4/5 days of the week, and I drive it (100 miles round trip) once a week by myself. And everything is fine.
- I went to an amusement park with some friends, rode some absolutely terrifying roller coasters and went through some wicked haunted houses, and I didn’t feel *totally* awkward.
- And then there’s this guy, I met him at a local ceilidh… I didn’t get his number because he lives 14 hours away, but we discovered some common interests and experiences but with different perspectives. He wasn’t entirely sober. And I taught him how to dance contra (even though is reaction the first time I asked him to dance was a rather temper tantrum-y face with a “but I just sat down” lingering on the table for 8, bu occupied by 2 strangers). We talked some more. I made the grown up decision to head home when it started getting late. He said “see you tomorrow, then?” I replied with (a very unfortunate) no. And then he hugged me. And it restored all of my faith in my ability to be a grown up and do things and have a good time. Even if I’m all by myself.
- And then there’s solo lunch. I’m making myself master them. Without Facebook or my phone. And not on campus. I find more peace then I initially expected in those times.
- There was recently a very nice time had with someone who I’ve had an… interesting… relationship with (there were other people with us, too). He really is too nice to me. BUT WE’RE BOTH GROWN UP ALL OF A SUDDEN. What the heck? We’re both like existing as totally solo human beings with cars and licenses and funny (and not always very appropriate) conversation and laughing and hugs and BEING FRIENDS (wut?). And it’s pretty great. There was a span of time where I was rather hesitant to be around him at all. And now that’s over and done… Officially. Friends once more in action (this part never stopped, really) and in my brain (which had taken an hiatus). And that is completely happy.
Thought- I should write in my adventurin’ journal more… I haven’t gone anywhere special, but I’m doin’ some crazy cool stuff (even if crazy cool means buying groceries).
Tangent 1- http://www.danoah.com/2013/10/girlfriends-are-meant-to-be-dumped.html goes well with Hunter Hayes – Rainy Season at least for me. I have mixed feelings towards this, and they’re not quite ready to be words yet, but you should give this a read.
Tangent 2- http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/10/09/youre-a-stay-at-home-mom-what-do-you-do-all-day/ THANK YOU MOM! I love my Momma. I love Mommas who love being Mommas. They kinda rock a lot. I kinda want to be one eventually… It’s a weird experience to tell people in college that being a Mom is a definite part of my plan should I find myself in a position which makes it possible. Some people hesitantly agree, some people give an enthusiastic “ME, TOO!” and most look at me like I have three heads. If I can be half of what the Moms I admire are to my children, I will have done all right.
Weird Conclusion-y Part Which Ties Things Together (at least in my head)-
Well I’m sure if I had
The chance to go back
I’d change more than I should
But knowing I can’t is helping my chances
Of moving on for good
Now I’m not saying
There won’t be too many lonely nights
But the songs that I choose getting over you
Help me make it out alive
Yeah, it’s alright, this goodbye
It won’t hurt me for too long
I can make it on my own
It’ll take some time
But I know that I
I can find where I belong
And I’ll find it in a song
Yeah, I’ll find it in a song
I underestimate sometimes just how vital music has been in my life. I mean, my mother taught music classes, I took piano lessons, I adore my accordion, and I dance all the freakin’ time. How do I manage to forget such things? I guess because it’s just so normal. I don’t come from a family with a gigantic legacy of musical talent (friends of mine who do, I know you know who you are and, for the record, I think it’s pretty amazing), I just don’t. My family’s musical ability (like so many other things) started with my Momma. That said, this Hunter Hayes song keeps me going a lot. Because there is still hurt in some memories. And sometimes I reflect too much on past things and somehow it all leads back to me asking what I’m doing wrong. But it’s all all right. I won’t always be hurt. There is hope. And I can make it on my own. The world will not fall apart. Which is pretty miraculous. I know you don’t think it’s such a miracle. I know that sounds overly dramatic. But it’s the truth. For a girl (lady? woman? young ‘un?) who is anxious about everything, and forgets to turn to prayer in anything, it is nothing short of a miracle. That life keeps moving and the world keeps spinning. And those things aren’t dependent on me. And they’d keep going even if I were gone. But the fact that me standing on my own two feet and slowly becoming an actual individual (don’t try to tell me I already am, because I won’t believe you) doesn’t bring it to a grinding halt is some kind of wonderful. I get to be a part of this crazy amazing life-y thing and EVEN IF I MESS UP IN UNIMAGINABLE WAYS it will keep moving. And a new day will come. Always.
I’m gonna try to attach a Spotify playlist to this post… Like, later… Because sleep and midterm paper. It’s the Anthem of Me Medley. It’ll be good if I can make it work. 🙂
Lastly, this is probably really just about 73 (yes, I just made that number up) thoughts that deserve to be their own posts with lots of thoughts and correctness and stuff and things and things and stuff (I think I’m using this right… I stole it from a Lady who’s kinda cool). So, yeah, if you’ve made it this far, kudos for surviving my brain! Comment and let me know what’s going on in your noggin’ or why you think I’m crazy (or awesome, but mostly crazy). I WANNA KNOW YOUR STORIES, TOO!