Prepare thyself for hurriedly written disjointedness:
I just shared a first draft of a paper with a peer review group… And by first draft, I mean absolute first complete draft. Usually when I have to share a first draft, I really share a fourth draft. I hate this first draft. With a passion. But the ideas are there, and that’s what first drafts are, yeah? No, I don’t have good support yet. But my introduction rocks for the most part. I don’t even have a conclusion. I’m going to get a final draft of the intro and body together and then write the conclusion. And that’s okay, dang it. It’s my process and it would be ridiculous if it was perfect the first time. So, yeah, when everyone else is saying “I apologize in advance for how crappy this first draft is”, I’m just like “well, here’s mine. It’s not my best. But it’s a first draft. That’s the point. Throw thoughts at me.” And I feel like this is going to make me more satisfied with the finished product. (For the record, on the topic of disjointedness, my paper is a kind of analysis of Susan Griffin’s “Our Secret”. It’s a hot mess. But it is wonderful. I highly recommend it.)
“What’s the greatest chapter in your book?
Are there pages where it hurts to look?
What’s the one regret you can’t work through?”
Just, yes. I can’t put into words why I’m sharing this. It wouldn’t work. But they’re important questions to ask yourself.
Particularly relevant to what I intend to in interfaith conflict resolution: http://hackingchristianity.net/2013/10/when-covenants-conflict-in-the-umc.html
Lastly, I am happy. I am not always content. I am not always at peace. But I am happy with where I am right now and where I’m headed (or at least what I can see of it… Which amounts to approximately two feet.) This is weird. Firstly because the days are getting shorter and the sun is getting colder. Typically this coincides with my attitude doing something similar. Also because content and peace are generally my more long term things and happy is more fleeting (which is fine), so reversal of this feels strange. Finally, and most importantly, somehow I am finding the ability lately to hope and pray and mean it. For all kinds of things. This is bizarre because the other day I was told by someone that they hope something I would very much like (it’s a specific something, but I can’t share) happens for me because it seems to be more feasible than ever. I just smiled and said thank you… Because I’ve lost the ability to hope for this something myself. I have let it go. And I am okay with letting it go. And all of this sounds so melodramatic, but really it’s elating. (I’m having a very strange day.)