It’s time for slower smiles, harder thoughts, and tear stained pillows. Again. That whole depression thing, I guess. I don’t really know. Nobody’s ever said I’m depressed. And it’s not like anything in life should make me feel that way. But I feel generally blechy lately. Sometimes I think maybe I’m kidding myself. That I’m being ridiculous. Why should I be thinking the things I am? What gives me the right to be sad? Yeah, I don’t know either. I don’t wanna be sad anymore. And it just makes it worse when I’m frustrated with myself for not being happy. It’s a crazy weird cycle. And I’m kinda done with it. But, alas.
So, yeah. Life’s weird right now. The nagging feeling of imposing on the general world around me is fairly constant currently (This is relevant: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQucWXWXp3k , “deciding how much space she deserves to occupy,” again I love my mother. a lot.). It’s the beginning of the second semester of Freshman year (two days of class have already been missed). It’s insanely cold. Dancing is nice. I’ve gone man-vegan. Officially. I’m a big fan of my friends right now. And I’ll probably be a bit more involved on campus this semester.
SOOOOO, here’s my list of good things:
- I have a roommate for the next school year (at least) and she’s pretty cool. I promise not to drive her nuts.
- It’s a four day weekend kind of weekend.
- My thighs (which I hate. Every person can hate one part of their body, as per the laws of me, and that’s mine) might actually look decent by the end of the semester because of fencing (holy cow! the lunges!).
- I only have one class that’s going to get on my nerves.
- If I’m able to get a job with between 25 and 40 hours/week over the summer at minimum wage, I’ll have enough to pay rent and eat at least something over the school year.
- We’re going to the aquarium tomorrow and I get to pet rays which is on my list of ten favorite things to do.
- I have lots of new CDs for the commute.
- I was introduced to Risk! which is a podcast thing of SUPER real stories. And it’s great.
- Opportunities for study abroad keep popping up.
- I’m in the Honors Scholar program now. Which means, as long as I keep like a 3.5, I get the earliest registration window and top priority for honors seminars (two of which have travel involved, one national and one international).
- I’m starting to really get a feel for what my major is going to look like.
- Have I mentioned the swingy dresses?
- Oh! And henna, and nail polish, and a variety of other things I can paint things with.
- Ren Faire will start soon.
- My hair is generally looking fabulous.
- I just remembered I have feathers to put in my hair. Which makes me happy.
- I’m constantly growing and feeling supported as I figure out where I’m headed in ministry.
17 brings me to the little list of what I want to be doing over the next ten years:
First, I want to graduate. That’ll be May 2017. Then I’d like to work for Americorps in Appalachia for a couple years. Maybe work with Peace Corps after that. Then grad school. With plans to get an M.Div and masters in family counseling or social work or some such. That’ll take 2-5 years. And who knows what state or country I’ll be in by then. Somehow being ordained happens (I’m still fuzzy on when and how that happens, and content to stay that way). And basically, I want to love on people and I want to have church everywhere. That’s what I want. So, tops, 12 (and a half) years, which will make me 31. Good grief. That’s terrifying. And really exciting. Hopefully I’ll decide I’m not such an imposition in that span of time. And sometime in there, I’m sure life will change things up. I might meet someone who cares enough to change my man-vegan stance (I really have zero interest in dating right now). Tiny humans become a possibility starting in the second half of that dozen year span (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0snNB1yS3IE , first few minutes). My baby sister will be able to legally drink by then. Which is a reality I will forever ignore. She’ll probably have a boyfriend. Which means he’s gonna have to like her an awful lot, because he’ll have some hard times coming his way from her twin older siblings. Poor guy. I will have moved probably 6 or 7 times. Which means the majority of my possessions will be reduced to a dresser, a bed, and my hope chest filled with hope chest-y things, kitchen things, and books. All the books. And it’s probably better that way. In fact, I should start working on condensing my clutter in preparation for my move this summer. Which will be the first time I’ve moved in 13 years (not counting the acquisition of another “home” courtesy of my parent’s divorce). Hopefully I will have been to South America or Africa by then. Maybe even Asia and continental Europe. Or Eastern Europe. Maybe all of them. Hopefully I’ll see the rest of the states. Maybe I’ll live in Canada.
And that seems like a wonderful place to sleep. Much love and I wish you enough.