All the Feels

Haven’t posted in a while.
This post is going to be another fragmented one.
Too busy with everything to write cohesive paragraphs.
But right now.
I don’t know what’s going on or where I’m at.
I know it will pass.
And I know I’ll be fine.
So that’s a step up from previous seasons like this.

I’ve been journaling a lot for an “Art for Healing and Personal Growth” class.
That’s been pretty interesting.
And I feel like that class, newfound independence, and new faith things are conspiring to make my life super content and driven.
At least until recently.
And I’m also off and on writing letters/prayers to/with my husband.
Who, if he exists, is unknown to me.
And I guess I liked it at first.
But I’m thinking of stopping because it reminds me that I don’t know him and that maybe he isn’t real.

I don’t know why I’m lonely.
I’m pulling away from religion and barely holding God’s hand right now.
And it was all of a sudden.
I just can’t take the “thou shalts” and “thou shalt nots.”
And all the “Go, and do. Because you’re a Christian and this is what Christians do.”
I can’t take guilt tripping.
I can’t take shaming in the name of some kind of love.
Love masquerading as Christ.
I can’t handle not accepting that different people are called to live out The Call in different ways.
And I can’t handle evangelism which focuses on the evangelists interpretation rather than the needs of the person who is being evangelized to.
I can’t handle spiritual gaslighting.
And so I find myself not able to handle most other Christians right now.
Which is sad.
And I know, or at least I hope, that it will pass.
I hope I’ll be back on top soon.
But not right now.
I guess Advent is just coming early for me this year.

I’m lonely.
I would like a best friend.
I would like someone to hug and cuddle up with and sleep next to.
I would like someone who I share mutual forehead kissing privileges with.
And, I guess, as a Christian, I’m supposed to be content with Christ.
And I feel so guilty for wanting eyes to look into, lips to kiss, and a physical hand to hold.
But I can’t imagine there is any part of my God which wants me to feel guilty for wanting a partner.

So here I am.
Stuck with wanting someone.
Stuck barely holding the hand of God.
Because being around His children makes me feel inadequate.
And that makes me sad.
And I’m sure it makes Him sad.
And that knowledge is the only thing keeping me from letting go.

It will pass.
It always does.
But until that day comes.
Until I have a hand to hold.
I will be expectantly and eagerly waiting.
Good thing it’s almost Christmas.

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