Grown Up Brain Dump: Christmas Edition

Zero structure. Not that that’s unusual in the past year or so of my blog. I do have something structured coming up, though, about the intersection between Christianity and Vulnerability and maybe a bit on Christianity as a Mystical Tradition… But this. This is just all the things on my brain right now. I have two Christmases left (one that’s just the giving of a gift to my roommate {she got me a Christmas tree for my first Christmas away from home}, and the other involving traveling and all that jazz… Again. To the Dad half of family). I’ve had 3 already (Mom, Mom’s family, and Dad). I look at Christmas and I have trouble imagining what it might be with a significant other… Or if either of my parents had significant others. So many Christmases. In a world of broken and mending families, it’s hard to feel less than overwhelmed just by the logistics of Christmas. But we’re managing. I would hasten to say that this is probably the best Christmas since my parent’s divorce, actually… The best Christmas in quite some time. The 4th Christmas where we have had to leave my Momma lonely for a bit, and I just wanna love her. But she’s got people and we’ll be all right. We’ve all got new places to live, so that’s a thing. I live on my own (with my illustrious roommate who is, in fact, one of the coolest people in the entire universe, and I’m beyond blessed that she took this chance on me)… In pseudo-adult land… Where Dad pays for school and my car expenses, and I spend one or two nights at Mom’s a week (because… you know… laundry has to get done sometimes… And I might as well stay. 🙂 ) I’m attempting to do something close to stream of consciousness right now… Because that’s the purpose of a brain dump and whatever… But I’m realizing that I have like five different streams going on. So, yeah, jumpiness. Life is good. There’s weekly dinner with my Dad and we’re learning how to have a father/daughter relationship, I think. He’s getting better. I’m leveling out considerably. So it’s okay. I think it was just too much for me to live with him and it was too fast and too sudden. But I can reflect on that now and know what went wrong. And it’s the type of thing that I file away for when I’m maybe a Christian counselor counseling families who are struggling post-divorce. Also if, heaven forbid, I have a husband and a family and we have those heart wrenching irreconcilable differences from hell and have to deal with this, I’ll be better able to meet the needs of my babies and their relationships with my lost love. (Not that my Mom’s been bad at this, she’s just never been through it as a kid… Which is definitely a good thing. It just meant there was some kind of a disconnect. But she’s been amazing through all of it and I don’t want to understate that.)
So I have a lot of stuff going on in Penguin Land. That’s the living dynamic and it’s really just the backdrop. I have school and work and theological thoughts and school’s effect on my ability to write and read well and a campus ministry and the beginnings of a couple ministries of my own and people calling me a future pastor and a lot of fear but a lot of grace and a lot of mercy and a new amazing friend and a waning best friendship and a guy who is absolutely the bee’s knees (in a just and only never anything more friend way) and that awesome roommate of mine and a Agnostic acquaintance and a wonderful semester of Bible study and new Bibles and new challenges to my faith and new goals (like, reading scripture and finding a church in my new city) and the feeling that sometimes faith and love and all of that is all about choosing to do them even when it’s something you know in your head more than you feel in your heart because sometimes there’s silence and that silence is hard and beautiful and okay and a new and wonderful feeling of peace in regards to the whole “no boyfriend” thing and this man who was like a Dad and who still tells me he loves me and who has a birthday soon and who I’m gonna write a letter to because I just can’t anymore and a God who loves me. A God I’m learning to trust. A faith I’ve had for so many years that’s coming into its own. A faith that’s about learning to trust and learning that being emotionally invested and vulnerable is so much more than okay and trusting that He is the one thing with absolutely no chance of ever letting me down. Oh, and I’m going to Vietnam. And I might be a ministerial apprentice over the summer. And in a perfect world with the opportunity of a sabbatical weekend maybe I would get all of that down to share with you. But life is busy. So busy. I miss the slow days of homeschool sometimes. Life was calmer and slower even if I wasn’t internally calm and slow. I’m there internally now. And sometimes it’s easy to almost lose it because life pushes you HARD. So hard. But there are moments of peace and silence when everything is right and I can soak it all up. And always I pray. And always I rest in God (but shhhhh, that’s getting into that blog post that will be actual writing). I go back to school in a couple weeks. And back to work in a week and a half… But I’ll have a nice solid week of nothing but things I want to do and things that will build me up for the next four months. God set this fire so many years ago and sometimes, because I wanted to be in control of it, or I was attached to what it was “supposed” to be, it was dangerous and it very possibly hurt people. Sometimes it hurt just me, the one closest to it. Sometimes it hurt itself. And now it is this wonderful slow burn that I feel and surrender to God and am so much better for it. And every time someone compliments me or sees how I love, I hope they see God and I hope they see the people God has given me in this life, because I am nothing without that love. I would be empty. I would be scared. I would be cynical. I would be jaded. I probably wouldn’t be around. But I am. And I’m facing life head on with joy or at least balance and peace. Because I have someone to rest into and I have the physical touch of other people who complete me. Because there’s a reason the Garden wasn’t just God and that first human. There’s a reason God made two. Because we need God and we need each other or we’re missing something. We’re incomplete. Luckily, God knows what he’s doing.
So, I think I’ll make smaller posts for all these things as I have the time. In between the reading () and the music () and the family and the love and the knowledge that there was once a tiny human who was everything beautiful and messy and baby like who became this man who conquered death for me so I could find my peace just by letting go. Because Oh, how he loves us. We are his portion and he is our prize. There is a magnanimous grace in his eyes. And it is overwhelming and consuming in that bigger than life gentle way of the ocean.

Merry Christmas! ❤

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