Self Confession (Late Night Busy Brain Edition)


Self confession:

I think a lot of theological thoughts, ya know, about God and Jesus and life and stuff and at least 80% of them never get beyond my head and I don’t even really want to say them in prayer… Because who on Earth am I to make any guesses about who Jesus is and what God wants and all that stuff? Like, really. I can look at the church up against my relationship with Christ and I can look at all these people who have been hurt and I can listen to stories of it’s brokenness and sure I can tell myself “well, everything is just way out of perspective and love and vulnerability in Christ got lost somewhere, but that whole love thing reeeeeaaaaaalllly is what’s going to heal things” but… Other people have had those thoughts and everything is still broken. Who am I to say I’m right? Who am I to say I can be part of the healing? Who am I to say that God has called me to help heal this awful, gaping hurt? Who am I to say I have the answer? Who am I to say my answer is better than other answers?

Friends, *I* wrote the words “I can’t handle not accepting that different people are called to live out The Call in different ways.” Yet… I am so bad lately about thinking that my way is the best way. That what I preach to myself about love is better than what others preach about morality and modesty and decency and purity. But then where does the line get drawn? I can’t get away with thinking that someone is deep in Christ with a wholesome faith ready to lead (instead of having faith in its infancy) if they don’t have love of God and others at the forefront. And I guess that’s scripturally founded. So I guess I need to work on accepting that people can show love in different ways than I do. (I’m trying really hard to not sound like a jerk, and I’m only kind of succeeding.) I need to recognize that different people are at different places in their spiritual life and everyone has a different journey and everyone, myself included, goes through phases of saying truly wrong and stupid things in the name of faith. I’m not going to accept the arguments for shame disguised as tough love. But I am going to accept that part of me loving other Christians is loving them where they are and recognizing that I get things wrong, too.

I guess this is what I know and this is what I need to remember and this is what I struggle with: “If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.” And that’s all I’ve got. This is nowhere near comprehensive and I don’t have the energy to fill or even notice any holes that exist. This is just all I’ve got right now at 3 a.m. when I should be sleeping but instead I’m praying and singing and writing.

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